Retreat.

I spent the last few days in a private camp outside a little town with the entire 7th grade class of 2011. The idea of the “camping” retreat was to “bond” with each other, learn our “true north” and core values, and “realize the importance of appreciation” (or, to learn how to appreciate appreciation). We had fun, sure, but… as far as core values, bonding, and appreciation went, it kind of failed.

No one there really wanted to do any of the above things. I’ve been at the school since kindergarten, and I’ve known a lot of the students for 8 or so years. If I haven’t bonded with them by now, I’m probably not going to. Some people are great, and you can connect with them right away, but the rest… no amount of “guided fun” is going to make us friends. I have some difficulties on the social ladder- I either get really shy and nervous, or I get really hyper and bounce off the walls and freak everyone out. It’s rare that I can actually successfully pull off acting normal. Sometimes people like me as that crazy bipolar weirdo I am, but often… not really.

And then there’s the whole “true north” thing. There’s only so many activities you can do in which you’re expected to “discover your personal values that keep you strong” before you either know them flat or start to feel really depressed because you can’t think of any. As of now, I fall into the latter category. Usually, I’m fine, but I don’t like delving into the touchy-feely psychiatrist realms AT ALL. Journaling and blogging are the only ways I really feel comfortable talking about how I feel, especially with adult figures, and even then I seem to pick up alternate personalities and act in ways I usually don’t act. Thinking of the things that I rely on to keep me going just make me feel sad, because all the things that keep me going aren’t inside… they’re outside. My friends (mainly just B), the Average Wizard community, the books I read and the characters in them (dorky, I know) and my theatre buddies. I don’t have anything inside that keeps me from falling; that’s why I fell in the first place. It’s all I can do to keep from going back to that, and it isn’t determination that’s keeping it from happening, it’s shame. Shame isn’t a core value.

Appreciation is rough for me, too. We all got letters of appreciation from our parents on the trip, and those especially made me feel awkward and sad and shameful. My letter was very sweet and kind and all, but still… it just made me feel bad to read it and know that my parents love me, even though I’m so horrible. It didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy at all. Just moody and emotional and crap. Bit weird, I know, but, there you go. And then we had to have everyone write nice things about us on pieces of paper we wore on our backs. We’ve done this every year, and it never changes. I always am called a theatre geek and feminist at least once, someone mentions flamenco dance, reading and Harry Potter are evident, and pretty much everyone else says “nice,” because that’s what everyone writes when they can’t think of anything else to say. “You’re funny/pretty/nice/kind.” The only thing that’s changed since we did this in kindergarten is that now they know how to spell “thoughtful,” and a lot of the entries on people’s papers were “sexy/hott.” At least they have the dignity not to sign it when they say those.

So, now I come home tired and drained, but, at least I didn’t fail on the ropes course or archery!